So to sum up what's been going on this last eventful weekend, I'll start with the events that started Friday morning and go from there. I must say before you read this that I'm really writing this for myself, I think it helps to get everything out. So I'm sorry if some things are to detailed and the pictures are to hard to look at, I don't really feel like I wanna hold these precious memories or photos back, so I apologize.
We met with another top specialist who deals with situations like ours, we were hoping to be able to discuss some kind of option. Unfortunately we learned we wouldn't be able to do any form of amniotic fluid injections due to our unique situation. It has worked for some people, but after he did some testing it would be far to dangerous for not only Kloe but could have long term harmful effects on myself as well. We then decided that as long as she stayed alive inside me we would try and keep her in as long as possible, in hopes that she would grow and all of her other organs (except her lungs which can't grow without amniotic fluid) would continue to be strong. Then in the hopes that whenever she came she would at least be bigger and a little more developed so the amazing staff at the NICU could hopefully take over and help in her survival.
Before and after that appointment I hadn't been feeling very good that day (which wasn't to big of a surprise since I haven't really been feeling to good the last month or so). I had been nauseous the entire day and threw up more than I have my entire life. So after we got home from the appointment I took a long nap thinking I would for sure feel better once I woke up. So I woke up from my nap, and pretty much the next 24 hours were a blur, but I'll try and recap as much as I can remember. I woke up from the nap in ridiculous pain and heavy cramping, and we new we needed to get to the hospital asap! We were very fortunate to have Conner be able to go immediately to Mark's cousin and his family's house right away for the evening. Later that evening he was picked up by Mark's Aunt and was able to spend the last two nights up at their house (which has been an amazing blessing).
So we got to the hospital right away (the 30 minute drive feeling of course like it was 3 hours...) it was so amazing our doctor just happened to be there already when we showed up, so he was able to meet us at the front door of the labor and delivery unit. By this point I was having pretty good contractions, not to painful but definitely contractions. And after being assessed it seemed as though my body was try to go into labor, although being that it was so early in the pregnancy I was not dilated at all. They couldn't stop the labor since the baby was already so low, but being that I was only 21 1/2 weeks along we knew even if she came out breathing a bit, it wouldn't be for very long, and not developed enough to make it, even with the most amazing NICU staff on standby. We didn't want anything to speed up the labor, in hopes that my body would stop on it's own, and also we didn't want anything that could possibly cause more complications for Kloe or I. I guess we were just praying my body would stop laboring and she would move back up. We just decided we would wait it out and whatever God had planned for us that night would happen.
We decided to try and get some sleep (knowing that wouldn't happen), and at around 3:30 ish I started having worse pain. I think before the doctors and nurses even came in Mark and I both knew what was about to happen, and that it was going to happen now. My body had dilated on it's own, I think my body new could couldn't carry her anymore. We were afraid to put to much strain on my body and didn't want to have any injury complications in the process, so I breathed and tried not to push at all. At around 5 o'clock yesterday morning (Saturday) Kloe Evelyn came into this world. She was the smallest baby I've ever seen, weighing just under 12 ounces. There was no opportunity for the NICU staff to work their magic, her heart had stopped during the labor process. They took her away while I was finishing up. We are thankful that there doesn't seem to be any damage done to my body, and everything went very smoothly. And physically I felt almost immediately better, It almost felt like I could finally take a deep breath, one that I didn't know I had been holding.
The nurses brought Kloe in a bit later and allowed us as much time as we wanted to spend with her. Mark and I said as soon as our nurse, Nancy, left the room that she was such a gift from God. Not only was she one on the sweetest ladies ever she also helps in the bereavement department. She wasn't supposed to be working in our area that night but for some reason they called her to us. She said she new God wanted her to be with us, and we couldn't be more thankful for her presence throughout everything. We spent most of Saturday with Kloe in our room in her little hospital bassinet. We did take a few pictures, and we are so thankful to have been able to hold her. We are so blessed to have those memories that Mark and I will hold with us forever.
I was released yesterday from the hospital at about 4, where we went home to our very quiet place, which looked exactly the way we left it 24 hours ago. Conner was still at Mark's aunt's house, so Mark and I spent the afternoon just hanging out in bed. We watched a movie together and tried to eat some food. Then after it ended we spent a couple hours balling and sobbing both our eyes out before finally falling asleep holding her baby blanket, that my sister Kayla made for her. Mark says he will probably sleep with it for the next couple nights, I'm not sure he thought he would miss her as much as he does. I on the other hand, although I feel sad I feel very peaceful about her being gone. I too miss her, but I am actually thankful for the timing in which this all took place. I am so thankful for Mark in all this, I can't even think about what it would be like with out him. He has been so strong and taken care of so much for me and Conner, so that I don't have to worry about a thing. I know it has been so stressful for him to manage all that he has lately. I think he is now emotionally allowing himself to grieve all that has happened and not be so strong right now. I know that in the future whenever we think back on this experience and all that it held for us we will visibly be able to see how our relationship has grown. And even out of all this sadness there is so much love, and I have never loved him more.
Conner is actually doing pretty good, he amazes me with his calm maturity. We explained everything and answered any and all his questions. He is so strong and able to say the most amazing things about his sister/his angel. We didn't allow him to be at the hospital at all, I think he would have been fine, I think it was just easier for us if he wasn't there. We did let him see all the pictures of her (there are more than what I will post). We are having her cremated and we will keep her remains as a sweet memory with all of her other belongings.
Thank you for all the prayers, support, gifts and food! We are so blessed to have so much support!